Choked
by dracoismyboyfriendguys
Summary: Shelby wasn't supposed to be at McKinley the day of Rachel's NYADA audition, but maybe it's just as well she was. A story of revelations, fears and forgiveness.
1. Chapter 1

Shelby hissed as lukewarm coffee sloshed out of her uncovered travel mug and fell down onto her black pants. She stopped in her tracks for a moment and lifted her head upwards, silently asking why she couldn't seem to catch a single break today.

Beth had been screaming non-stop since the early hours of the morning and wouldn't settle no matter how many times Shelby sung 'Itsy-Bitsy Spider' to her. Then, barely an hour after the two had finally fallen back into an uneasy slumber, the fire alarm in Shelby's building had gone off. If the toddler was unsettled before, this time she had sounded her displeasure to everyone within a five-mile radius with an unprecedented gusto.

Shelby had tried to ignore the judgmental stares of her unfriendly neighbours while they all stood outside waiting for the all clear from the fire department, but somehow they still got to her. She always thought they were watching, waiting for her to screw up and make a mistake with her daughter so they could click their tongues and mutter disparagingly about single mothers. Still, there was only a month left on her lease, and then she'd be heading back to New York with a fresh load of big plans to execute.

It was kind of routine for her at this point. She waited in Lima, Ohio until her life completely fell to shit, and then she would make a mad dash for the big city, desperate to prove herself. But this time was going to be different: she was sure of it. This time she had Beth, and no doubt in her mind that her daughter was better off with her than with her biological parents. She had plans with some old friends still living there for a new business venture. Plans which were both more realistic and maybe even more fulfilling than her prior dreams of Broadway stardom. And, she allowed herself to wishfully think sometimes, if all went accordingly, Rachel would be joining her in the city soon. Maybe this time they would be able to try again properly.

Shelby could only hope.

Thoughts of her oldest daughter swirled around her brain now as they did each time she neared McKinley. What was Rachel doing? Did she have everything she needed? Was she _happy_?

Really, that was all Shelby had ever wished for for the baby she had given away. And, as much as it pained her to acknowledge, her distance at this point was necessary to that. After all, it was Rachel herself who had admitted to being sad during their initial meeting. Rachel who had let the first tears fall during their goodbye. Rachel who had said that there wasn't a place for them to have a relationship just a few months ago.

But Shelby had to have hope. It was the only thing stronger than the thick cloud of pain which enshrouded the entire situation.

With a slight shake of her head, Shelby tore her eyes away from the overcast sky and forced herself onwards across the parking lot towards the main school building. She had sworn to herself that she would never ever set foot back in this place after the disastrous events earlier in the school year, but here she was.

A few nights ago, just after she'd settled Beth down and was relaxing in front of some heinously mind-numbing television, she'd received an email asking for a letter of recommendation. Samantha, one of the girls she'd somehow managed to recruit for Troubletones, had finally convinced her parents to allow her to apply to the Julliard dance programme. The catch? She only had a week to complete the application and get it sent off before the deadline. Apparently she had already asked Coach Sylvester for a letter but she needed another, and had immediately thought of her former glee coach.

Shelby had spent the last couple of days agonising over the letter. It wasn't that she was unwilling to do it, she liked the girl after all and was grateful to all of the girls who had been in her short-lived group, it was just that she was a little out of practice. During her Vocal Adrenaline days, she rattled the letters off like nobody's business, but now it had been a little while and she was rusty. The only other letter she had worked on recently was Rachel's and that was just… Well it was _different_.

Writing that one, she had practically shut her eyes and let her fingers fly over the keyboard without input from her brain. The praises she longed to heap upon her estranged daughter in person flowed freely from her so fast that she could barely pause to fit them into functional sentences. She had read through it scrupulously, of course. Shelby was never one to half-ass anything as important as that- or really anything at all. But after meticulous checking, she had been proud to send the completed letter to Rachel's school email address. Two days later, she had received a succinct '_Thanks, Shelby.'_ in reply, and she hadn't exchanged more than polite greetings with her daughter since.

It hurt. She couldn't deny that. But, equally, she knew she couldn't exactly blame Rachel. The girl had asked for a letter of recommendation from 'Shelby Corcoran, former nationally acclaimed show choir coach', and she had received just that. For weeks after, Shelby kicked herself. Should she have done more- pushed Rachel into further conversation which would then, hopefully, go beyond accolades that could be transcribed into a five-hundred word letter? Maybe. But that really wasn't her place. How would Rachel have even reacted to that? Shelby didn't know, and now she never would.

There was something in her, while she was writing Samantha's letter, that wanted to put as much effort into it as she had done with Rachel's. Almost like she was cushioning herself from the pain of Rachel's impassive rejection. She needed to show that she would go above and beyond in a similar respect for any talented student who crossed her path. It was a defense mechanism, sure, but nobody lost from it. Samantha was talented and got the letter she deserved, Rachel already had hers, and Shelby got to prove, once again, that she was a good teacher. She _had_ to be good at something.

She exacted a steely expression as she walked through the doors of the main entrance. She was going to go in, see Samantha, and leave this place behind her for good. There was too much pain of the past, too many reminders of her own poor decisions lurking behind the public school walls and she simply didn't have the energy or inclination to deal with any of it anymore. She hadn't planned on actually coming here in person at all, but, upon receiving the letter and Shelby's message to let her know whether there was anything else she could do to help, Samantha had requested that the woman come in and watch her audition piece. Shelby had agreed, pushing her own reluctance aside for the sake of the girl who just wanted a chance to live out her dreams. It was something she could relate to after all.

Shelby's heeled boots echoed through the empty hallways. She was extremely glad that the only spot Samantha could get to book out the dance studio was after school hours- she didn't want to run into anyone.

_Go to the dance studio, see Samantha, go home to Beth_, she repeated over and over again in her head like a reassuring mantra.

She didn't allow herself to glance into the choir room where she hadn't done enough to allow some talented girls the chance to shine in their senior year. She ignored the calculus classroom where her insecurities had opened her up to totally inappropriate talks with Noah Puckerman. But most of all, she practically ran past the hallway which led to the auditorium. _That _was the room which hurt the most. The times with Rachel at the piano, watching the sectionals competition from the shadows once she knew her teaching career had been throttled by her own stupid choices. No, she wasn't going to let herself even _think_ about that particular part of the school.

She shuddered as she passed near the doorway to it; it was almost as if she could hear the opening chords of 'Don't Rain On My Parade'. The ghosts of her failed relationship with her daughter were taunting her with their haunted screams.

"Miss Corcoran!" Samantha exclaimed when Shelby stepped into the studio. The girl was sat on the floor stretching in a position that Shelby could only _dream_ of getting into these days.

"Hey, Sam," Shelby greeted with a smile. The girl really _was_ talented and, for now, she would put her own personal reservations about being here onto the back-burner to help her. "How's it all going?"

Samantha shrugged and inhaled deeply as she leant her body forward into the stretch. "It's okay, I think. I'm feeling pretty nervous."

"I'd be worried if you weren't," Shelby chuckled. "But you don't have reason to be. They'd be lucky to have you at Julliard."

Samantha beamed at the compliment. "Fingers crossed," she said, before pulling herself to her feet. "I'm sorry, I know you're probably super busy, but I just really wanted to have you look over my audition piece before I fly out. There's not many teachers of your standard around here."

Shelby smirked. "You're giving me far too much credit. In every respect." The girl looked bemused. "Since I stopped teaching here, my days have mainly consisted of singing lullabies and wiping up drool. It's nice to have a break from that."

"_Babies_," Samantha whispered with a dramatic shudder.

"Not a fan?"

"Not exactly," she replied. "I just think I'd be a terrible mother."

Shelby's heart thudded in her chest and she swallowed hard. "Yeah? Well I thought that one day too. Maybe you'll change your mind?"

"Maybe," Samantha conceded. She hooked her iPod to the dock and tapped against the screen, looking for her song. "But I have a lot of dancing to do before that day comes."

Grateful for the change in topic, Shelby gave a small laugh. "Let's see what you've got then." She crossed the room and slumped down against the mirrored wall, pulling her legs up to her chest and resting her coffee on top of them.

Samantha nodded and set the music to go, moving into a central position.

As she performed the contemporary routine, Shelby watched with her usual precise focus. She sipped periodically at the now almost completely cold coffee, willing it to fend off the exhaustion which was creeping up within her from her disturbed night's sleep.

The dance was excellent, Shelby noted. It wasn't totally different from some of the more technical work she'd played a hand in choreographing for her Vocal Adrenaline kids, relying on some of the same acrobatic tricks. Although she wouldn't consider herself an expert in matters of dance, she knew enough to recognise strengths and weaknesses within the piece. She nodded along to the beat as Samantha filled the space, making mental notes of things to point out to the girl.

She had her run through it a couple of times, calling out suggestions for improvement which Samantha happily applied.

"Better," Shelby said with a firm nod when the music came to an end for the third time. "Grab a drink and then I want you to run through the second turn sequence again, this time without the music."

Without realising it, she was soon falling back into the comfortable role of coach, up on her feet and snapping out the beat with her fingers as Samantha danced.

"Good emotional execution there," she said as Samantha dropped to her knees on the floor. "Just don't lose it when you go into the jump and - _there_. Yeah, you're losing everything you've got going on in your face." Samantha nodded briefly, still dancing. "You're telling the story with your body, just make sure you convey it with everything in you."

By the time she had finished the dance again, Shelby was applauding with a broad grin. "_So_ much better. You see how when you really _feel_ the story, it translates even more into your movements?"

Samantha nodded again, doubled over and gasping for breath. Shelby grabbed her water bottle from atop the piano and handed it over.

"You've got this in the bag, Sam."

"You really think so? I mean I know I-"

Samantha was interrupted by the loud sound of clattering footsteps outside the room. Shelby shot her a quizzical look.

"There's auditions today in the auditorium," Samantha told her. They both peered towards the glass window in the door, but the outside hallway now appeared deserted.

"Oh," Shelby said. "What for?"

Samantha bit her lip. "Um- for NYADA, I think."

"_Oh_," Shelby repeated, her attention now completely focussed on the door. How could she not have known that Rachel's audition was today? There was, of course, no possible way she _could_ have known. Rachel hadn't told her anything; she really had no reason to do so, after all. But still, Shelby was swept by a familiar wave of guilt at the fact that she was totally oblivious to everything happening in her daughter's life.

"Do you…? I mean, I'm sorry. I know it's none of my business… But we're pretty much done here right? You could… Rachel…" Samantha stuttered out, sending Shelby a worried look.

The older woman looked back at her with an unusual coldness. She didn't intend it to be there, but it pained her that everyone seemed to know about her rocky relationship with Rachel. It wasn't meant to be like this. She should never have agreed to come back here.

"No," she said sharply, before shutting her eyes, sighing and sending Samantha a small smile. "No, sorry. It's fine. You should run through it again."

"Are you sure? You've done-"

But, once again, Samantha was cut off by chaotic sounds erupting from the hallway.

"_Rachel_?" a boy's voice called out. "Rachel, wait!"

Shelby's fingernails dug into her palms as her hands balled into tight fists at her sides. She was pretty certain that was Finn's voice. She'd never really liked the boy, but that was beside the point now. From the desperate tone in his voice, she could tell clearly that something was wrong, and she felt completely powerless.

"Rachel?" The door to the studio swung open to reveal the lumbering boy looking wildly around into the room. "_Oh_." He came to a sudden stop, grasping onto the doorframe for support. "Sorry- I didn't meant to- Wait." His eyes narrowed as his gaze fell onto Shelby. "What are _you _doing here?"

"I…" Shelby faltered. Part of her wanted to tell Finn it was absolutely no concern of _his_ as to why she was there then demand to know what was going on. But it all felt too contradictory. She was stuck in a stunned silence.

"She was helping me with my Julliard audition," Samantha supplied quickly, stepping defensively in front of Shelby. "Problem?"

Finn hesitated for a moment. "No," he said finally, shaking his head. "Not a problem, I guess."

"Good," Samantha replied dismissively.

Finn's eyes still hadn't left Shelby's. He pushed himself back up off the door. "If- uh- if Rachel comes in here, tell her I'm looking for her."

"What's going on?" Shelby said, her voice barely more than a whisper.

Finn's gaze hardened and he folded his arms across his chest. "Nothing that concerns _you_," he sneered.

Shelby glared right back at him, striding briskly towards the door. "If it concerns Rachel, it concerns me."

Finn let out a sharp grunt. "_Now_ you think that."

"Yes, I do." She raised her eyebrows expectantly. "So what's going on?"

Finn leaned back and looked up and down the hallway. Eventually, he sighed and looked back at the woman with a softer, fearful expression. "Rachel choked."

"_What_?"

"Her NYADA audition she… I don't know what happened. She just got up and there and… I've never seen Rachel like that."

Shelby let out a shuddering breath. This couldn't be happening. She _knew_ just how much this audition meant to Rachel, and for her to have fallen at this final hurdle… it just didn't seem fair.

"Where is she now?" she asked, desperately trying to maintain a calm neutrality in her voice.

Finn shrugged and looked around again as if he was expecting Rachel to have made a sudden appearance. "No idea," he mumbled. "She took off out of the auditorium."

"Right," Shelby said, inhaling deeply and straightening her posture. The rational side of her brain was beginning to return. Them all standing around discussing how upset Rachel seemed wasn't going to help anyone. "I'll help you look."

"I… I don't know whether that's such a good idea," Finn said, a confused frown forming on his brow. "I mean with the whole, you know, you and Rachel situation."

"I just want to make sure she's okay, Finn," Shelby told him. She hoped she didn't sound too desperate. He was right, of course, but she couldn't just go back to helping Samantha dance and pretend she didn't know that her daughter was out there somewhere in distress.

"Okay," Finn relented.

Shelby turned back to Samantha. "I'm so sorry to cut this short."

The girl waved her off. "It's totally fine, honestly. Thank you for your help."

"You're going to do great," Shelby said with a small smile. When the girl thanked her and began to pack up her dance bag, Shelby nodded at Finn and together they walked back out into the hallway.

"She definitely came down here," Shelby told him, glancing towards the end of the hallway which formed a t-intersection. "You go right and I go left?"

"Sure," Finn said. They hurried down the deserted hall in silence, both frantically looking into the empty rooms as they passed. Rachel wasn't in any of them. "Uh Miss Corcoran, if you find her, you should probably send her to me."

Shelby paused for a moment, frowning. She was _not_ about to let this kid tell her what to do. But, then again, he did know Rachel better than her. "Fine."

She wasn't sure whether she'd follow through on that agreement. They held eye contact for a moment, before Shelby turned and began to quickly pace down the hall.

She heard Rachel before she saw her. Heard the gasping sobs coming out of a small piano room, the door to which had been left slightly ajar. Shelby stepped into the threshold and her heart immediately broke.

Rachel was curled up in the corner of the room, her head resting limply on her knees as her whole body shook with the power of her cries. They echoed clearly around the soundproofed room, and Shelby could hear each juddering breath coursing through her daughter's small body. In an instant, she was kneeling down in front of her daughter.

She swallowed hard, forcing away her own emotion at seeing Rachel in this state, before laying a tentative hand on the girl's knee. "Rachel?"

Rachel jumped at her touch, sending her head flying backwards against the wood panelled wall with a dull thud. She hissed and sent a hand back to ease the blow before her glassy eyes finally looked up at the woman before her.

"Sh-Shelby?" she whimpered, her voice catching on the sobs still coming up through her throat. For a moment, she just held her mother's gaze, before casting her eyes downwards as another round of cries escaped her.

Shelby reacted on instinct, lowering herself down so she was sitting next to the girl and laying her hand on her quivering shoulder. "It's okay, Rachel."

The words sounded pathetic given the situation. A sentiment echoed in the way Rachel's sobbing effectively drowned them out. She moved her thumb in soothing circles around Rachel's collarbone, trying desperately to offer any kind of comfort.

"Wh-what are you… why are y-you here?" Rachel whispered, looking up at the woman with a confused frown.

"I was helping a student with an audition piece," Shelby said softly. At the word 'audition', Rachel let out another strangled sob and she suddenly kicked herself. That probably hadn't been the best thing to bring up right now. Somehow, she always had a way of saying the wrong thing around Rachel. "I -uh- Finn came into the room I was in looking for you."

Rachel's eyes widened and she quickly shook her head. "I c-can't. I just _can't_ see him right now."

Shelby fought back a smug grin. Finn didn't necessarily know exactly what Rachel wanted anymore than she did. "That's okay, honey. You don't have to." She paused for a moment. "I think he's really worried about you, though."

"I just want to be alone," Rachel sobbed, lowering her head back onto her knees. Shelby sighed, knowing that she couldn't grant the girl that wish. She was too worked up to be by herself at the moment. So she adjusted her hand and began to run it back and forth across the girl's back. Rachel stiffened at the contact. "P-please."

"I can't do that," Shelby told her gently.

They sat together for a few minutes until Rachel's sobs eventually quieted a little. Shelby was thinking that she should probably at least try to make contact with her daughter's boyfriend. She would be pissed if it were the other way round and she was still searching desperately for the girl.

"Rachel?" she tried, as the girl wiped her nose and eyes off with her hand.

"What?" Her voice was muffled by her arm being pressed up over her mouth, but Shelby didn't miss the cold tone.

"I think you should just let Finn know that you're safe at least?"

Rachel glared up at her, eyes bloodshot and still swimming with tears, but eventually she nodded and reached for her phone discarded a few feet away. Shelby leant back as the girl tapped harshly on the screen, she felt as though she should grant her some level of privacy.

She watched closely as Rachel continuously sniffled while she typed, her laboured breath still catching in her throat. Shelby had never seen her so despondent. Not even when she had walked away from her during the girl's sophomore year. It caused a pain deep down inside her. All she had ever wanted was for Rachel to be happy.

"Can you just go now?"

Rachel's snappy voice pulled her out of her thoughts.

"Honey," she began with a small sigh. Rachel huffed and cut quickly across her.

"Shelby, seriously. I want to be alone."

"Rach-"

"Why are you even here?"

Shelby frowned. "I told you, I was helping out a former stu-"

"No," Rachel snapped. "Not _here_ as in at school. Here as in _here_, with me."

Shelby didn't quite know how to answer that. Wasn't it obvious? Rachel was upset so she was doing what she could to help her. She would _always_ do that. She thought she had done, in all the ways she could anyway.

She had cancelled VA rehearsal twice when they'd initially met, even though there were booster club seniors breathing down her neck about it. The first time was to make a Lady GaGa costume and the second was to reprimand a group of her seniors who had thought it would be funny to assault her child. She had sang with Rachel when she asked, helped her with her 'West Side Story' audition, wrote her a letter of recommendation. Sure, she _knew_ that in some ways it was the least she could do. But, still. Surely there was enough in there to prove to Rachel that she would be there if the girl needed her?

But the hurt and angry look the girl was sending her now seemed to suggest otherwise. Shelby bit down hard on her lip. Was she _that_ bad when it came to her daughter?

"You're upset," she said simply. "I want to be here with you."

"Well I don't _want _you here!" Rachel shouted, new tears cascading down her cheeks. "This day is already bad enough. I- I ruined everything. _Everything_. All that work and… I- I just ruined it all."

"You didn't, Rachel," Shelby told her firmly. She tightened her grip on Rachel's shoulder, forcing her to turn more towards her. "You haven't ruined everything."

Rachel's lip trembled until another sob broke from her. "Yes I have. Y-you weren't there. You don't know anything."

Shelby nodded sympathetically. "I know enough, honey. I know that this isn't going to break you."

"It already has," Rachel whispered. Her body collapsed in on itself again, but she didn't do anything to pull away from her mother's grasp.

With a deep breath, Shelby pushed away her nerves, and chanced pulling the girl in tighter towards her. "I'm going to stay," she said quietly. "I'll stay as long as you need, okay?"

Rachel sniffled again and gave a tiny nod. "Okay."

* * *

_**Hi- hope you enjoyed! I know I've been a bit MIA but final year uni is kicking my ass. Next chapter of Regrettably is coming along... slowly. It should be up next weekend. But I got this idea on a train journey and just wanted to try it out. **_

_**Please review- would love to know what you thought and if anyone has any requests for the big conversation brewing in part 2!**_


	2. Chapter 2

Shelby stayed silent until she was sure Rachel's sobs were beginning to die out. She couldn't quite believe how this day had turned out. She had her oldest daughter lying in her arms and relying on _her_ for comfort. If the situation had been different, she would have cried tears of happiness. Instead, she just felt helpless. She didn't know how to help Rachel.

Beth was mostly easy. Even as she was getting older and could do more than eat, poop and sleep, Shelby usually knew instinctively what her baby needed. Of course, there were times when the toddler liked to disagree as she had last night, but still, Shelby could do Beth. What she wasn't sure she could do was teenager who feels like all of her dreams have slipped right through her fingers. But she had to try.

She felt Rachel shift in her arms, pushing herself into a more upright position and wiping at her face. Immediately, the space she had vacated against Shelby's chest tingled at the feeling of cool air replacing the warm body.

"I'm sorry," Rachel said quietly, sending Shelby a small, watery smile. "You can go now."

Shelby shook her head gently. "It's okay, honey." She paused, unsure as to whether Rachel was directly telling her to leave or if she just didn't think Shelby would want to be there. She'd seemed so surprised earlier that her mother was concerned. "How are you feeling?"

"I don't know," Rachel answered with a small shrug. "I just… I had my chance and I ruined it. I completely and utterly ruined it and I have no idea what I'm going to do."

There were still silent tears ebbing out from her eyes and Shelby, fighting back any reservations, gently traced her fingers across Rachel's cheeks.

"You didn't, Rach. I promise you, you haven't ruined anything," she said firmly.

Rachel sighed exasperatedly. "You and Kurt and Finn can tell me that all you like, but it doesn't change what happened, Shelby."

"Well, do you want to talk about what happened?"

Rachel stared at her for a moment thoughtfully before pulling her knees up to her chest and leaning her body on them. "I choked," she said. "I choked on a song I've been singing my entire life and now I… I just don't know what to think." Her eyes, which had been drifting unconsciously around the room shot back up to meet Shelby's. "I don't have any other plans. Nothing. My whole life has been building up to this moment. I was supposed to go out there and prove myself, prove everyone who has ever doubted me wrong. And I didn't." She took a deep breath which rattled through her entire body. "I just- I don't know what to do."

"You don't have to decide anything right now," Shelby said, placing her hand on the girl's shoulder again. She didn't know whether Rachel wanted the comforting touch or not, but Beth always liked to be held. She wasn't sure what else she could do. "There are so many opportunities still out there."

Rachel let out a bitter laugh which came out far more like a sob. "Like what?" she asked. "I didn't make any other plans, Shelby. I- I put everything I had into this application, into this school. And now… Now _I'm_ going to be stuck here while everyone else goes off and starts their lives and I'm going to have to live out the rest of this year with everyone in this school knowing that I failed at the one thing I'm supposed to be good at and-."

"Hey- stop that," Shelby interrupted, tightening her grip on Rachel. "You are _so_ talented, Rachel. So incredibly talented. But you're more than that too." Rachel frowned. "You're kind and you're loving and you're just so _special_. Whether you get into this school or not, you're going to do such great things with your life."

Rachel shook her head and stared down at the ground. "I'm not," she muttered. "I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I'm not any of those things."

"Yes you-"

"Look, Shelby," Rachel sighed. "I understand that you probably feel some kind of obligation to be here right now but I assure you that that's not the case. And you definitely don't need to try to bolster my ego. That's pretty much what got me into this situation in the first place."

Shelby paused for a second, gathering her thoughts with a long breath. Rachel's words were so dense, there was so much dwelling below the surface that she didn't know where to even attempt to begin. Beth's vocabulary had expanded to simple short sentences. She wasn't used to trying to pick apart confessions and assertions to decipher cryptic meanings.

"I'm not here because I feel like I have to be," she said finally. For the moment, it seemed like the most pressing place to begin. "I just want to make sure you're okay. I care about you, Rachel- is that so hard to believe?"

Rachel cocked her head, resting her cheek against her knee. "Somewhat."

The word cut through Shelby. Is that how she came across, uncaring and cold? It was never supposed to be like this. Everything she'd done, the sacrifices she had made and the pain she harboured was all supposed to make Rachel happy.

She ran her dry tongue across her teeth, willing it to finally form the right words to communicate how she really felt to her daughter.

"Well I do care about you. A lot." Something flickered across Rachel's face. Shelby couldn't read it and she knew she had no hope of guessing what Rachel was thinking, but she could have sworn that the corners of Rachel's lips rose upwards for a split second. "And," she continued, "I'm not just saying what I think you want to hear. I mean it." Rachel still looked dubious. "Come on, you know what I'm like, when have you ever heard me give out compliments for the hell of it?"

Shelby laughed weakly, hoping to break some of the tension with the gentle joke. Rachel, however, stiffened next to her and shook her head.

"That's the thing though, isn't it?" she said coldly. "I don't know you and you don't know me."

Shelby screwed her eyes shut in frustration. Once again, foot meet mouth. She didn't know what it was, she usually considered herself to be a relatively eloquent person who could use her words to get people to bend to her will in any way she wanted. With Rachel, however, that all went out the window. She took a deep breath.

"Okay," she said carefully, eyeing Rachel closely, "maybe you think I don't know you that well as a person. But from what I've seen you are a fabulously strong, dedicated and caring girl."

Rachel huffed, pulling her legs more tightly into herself. "And you gathered that from the five minutes you deigned to spend in my company, did you?"

How the hell was she supposed to respond to that? That it had been more than five minutes? That she savoured the memories of those short moments more than any others? That she felt like she was being torn apart whenever she thought of them?

"Yes."

"Oh." The decisive response from her mother seemed to make Rachel back down from the brewing argument a little. She remained silent for a moment, before asking, "Do you believe in karmic retribution?"

Shelby snorted. "I'm _sorry_?"

Rachel glared at her. "I'm being serious. Technically, vocally, mentally I was prepared for that audition. I know that song inside out- I mean, I've practically lived my life up to this moment preparing to take the stage as Fanny Brice. I spent four hours today warming up. Four hours! I broke my own personal record for number of tongue rolls completed in a minute- I thought it was a good omen. Do you know how many classes I had to skip to make that warmup happen? Three. But I did it. I've been extending my meditation sessions all week in order to be in a mental state worthy of this audition. And I got out there and I choked. So," she finally paused to take a breath, "do you?"

Shelby had tried to follow. Honestly, she had. But she got lost somewhere around tongue rolls and from there she couldn't really get back into it.

"Uh- do I what?" she asked tentatively.

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Do you believe in karmic retribution?" she repeated.

"Oh." They were back on that? Shelby wasn't sure she had a strong opinion on the existence of 'karmic retribution'. Was she supposed to? "Uh- I'm not sure," she answered honestly.

Rachel hummed in acknowledgment. "Interesting."

Silence fell upon them again, with Rachel frowning thoughtfully and Shelby trying to work out what the hell was going on. "Um… do you- do you believe in that?" she asked.

"Yes," Rachel quickly replied. Shelby nodded blankly, unsure of how to respond to that. "I think it must be real. It's what must have happened today: all the bad things I've done have eventually come back to get me."

"I'm sure that's not it. Maybe nerves just got the better of you."

"But I wasn't nervous," Rachel said, shaking her head solemnly. "It just happened. And now," her bottom lip began to tremble again, "everything's ruined."

As a few tears made a reappearance down Rachel's face, Shelby leaned forward and clasped her daughter's hand in her own.

"Mistakes do happen, Rach," she said. "But this won't define you." She squeezed the girl's hand tightly, relishing in the fact that it hadn't been pulled away yet, and began to rub her thumb across Rachel's fingers.

"Maybe," Rachel conceded sadly. "But I just don't…"

She continued to speak, but Shelby had suddenly lost the ability to comprehend her words. All her attention was now focussed on the thin metal band on Rachel's finger. Her ring finger. Of her left hand.

"You're _engaged_?"

The words slipped out before she could stop them. She didn't have control over the shocked and disparaging tone either. Shelby's whole body felt numb. How could Rachel be engaged? Yes, she was aware that the relationship between Finn and her daughter seemed pretty serious for a high school couple from the limited interaction she'd seen between them in the choir room earlier this year. But engaged? To be married? Rachel was seventeen! She was a _child_.

A thick silence overtook the room. Shelby was still staring at the ring, mouth gaped open and eyes widened in horror. She was completely frozen. Rachel's face, on the other hand, passed through a whirlwind of emotions. First came the panicked eyes then the furrowed brow and finally the look of taut indignation.

"Yes," she spoke clearly, setting her head high and strong on her shoulders. "Finn and I are engaged to be married."

Shelby hadn't let go of her daughter's hand and she raised it into the air as she shook her head. "You're kidding, right?" she asked incredulously. "Please tell me you're kidding, Rachel."

Rachel scowled. "No, I'm not. And I real-"

"You are a _child_, Rachel!" _My Child_, she wanted to clarify. But she didn't. As much as she wanted to, and felt that way in this moment, she knew that it wasn't really true. "You _cannot_ be serious!"

Rachel yanked her hand away and used it to help push herself up off the ground. "I very much am!" she exclaimed. "And I'm _not _a child. Finn and I are adults and we have every right to make this decision."

Shelby sighed exasperatedly, also getting to her feet. She wanted to grab her daughter and shake some sense into her. Rachel wasn't an adult. The petulant pout marring her features was enough to tell her mother that, not to mention the lost and helpless demeanour she'd had for this entire conversation.

"I just can't believe this," she muttered more to herself than Rachel. She rubbed both hands hard over her face, bringing them to rest on her temples. "And I don't suppose you were planning on telling me, were you?"

Rachel let out a rough bark of laughter. "Funnily enough, no I wasn't!" she snapped. "It's none of your business, _Shelby_!" She dragged out the two syllables of her mother's name as if to remind her of her place.

Shelby's hands were shaking with rage and so she balled them up into fists at her sides. She wasn't sure what they might do if they were left untamed. The rational part of her knew that Rachel had a point, but her flaring temper won out.

"That's absolute crap," she hissed. "It _is _my business!"

"Oh- just like it was _my _business when you decided to adopt a baby!" Rachel shouted. Immediately, Shelby's posture weakened slightly. _Shit_. "Better yet," the girl continued, "the baby of a girl who did nothing but make my life an absolute living hell. Not to mention it was also my _ex-boyfriend's_ baby. Did you even think about that? Did you even _know_ that when you were whoring yourself out to him earlier this year?" She paused, raising her eyebrows expectantly. "No, of course you didn't because you know _nothing_ about me and you didn't even bother to try to!"

"Rach-"

"No, I don't want to hear any apologies," Rachel spat, turning around and breathing deeply.

Shelby swallowed hard. A pang of guilt washed over her; she hadn't been going to apologise. Sure, she felt terrible that she'd caused Rachel so much pain, she truly did. But she wasn't going to say she was sorry for adopting Beth, for finally getting the daughter she had so desperately been craving for fifteen years. The decision on whether to talk to Rachel about Beth, which she'd agonised over for months after that fateful Regionals competition, had been made because she didn't want to hurt Rachel. She thought it would be too hard for the girl to understand, to get why she needed her _own_ family.

It was like everything that had ever transpired between the two of them starting from the day of Rachel's birth. Shelby tried to make decisions which would lead to Rachel's happiness, and yet all she seemed to have accomplished was hurting the girl and pushing her away. She hadn't fought the Berrys for parental rights, despite the fact she was desperately in love with the baby in her belly, because she _knew _that she didn't have what it took to be a mother back then. She walked away from the girl two years ago because she didn't want to intrude on her otherwise perfect life and confuse her. She stayed away this year because those were the terms _Rachel_ had set out for her on the first day they'd spoken.

But now as she watched her daughter's shoulders begin to shudder up and down once more, she understood that good intentions hadn't got her anywhere. All she'd succeeded in doing was hurting Rachel. The part of her that always told her to run, that situations, _people_, would be better off if she wasn't there, was screaming at her to just say sorry and walk out the door. Maybe she could go and find Finn or Will and have them deal with Rachel?

Yet there was another competing voice echoing around her mind now. One that reminded her that _she _had been the one to help Rachel calm down just several minutes earlier, and one which wouldn't let her forget how good it had felt to have her baby girl in her arms.

She took a few steps towards Rachel and laid a gentle hand on her back. The girl flinched slightly at the touch but didn't push her away totally. She knew she'd made the right decision.

"I think we have a lot to discuss," she said softly. Her tone was unrecognisable from the angry way she'd spoken earlier.

There was a long moment of stillness before, finally, Rachel gave a slight nod and turned to face the older woman. A small smile of relief crept up onto Shelby's lips which Rachel tentatively returned, before she gestured for the two of them to sit at the piano.

Rachel sat down on the piano bench, crossing her legs and folding her hands neatly in her lap. Her gaze became fixed on the floor while Shelby hoisted herself up onto the closed piano lid. Hovering a few inches above her daughter, she reached out and took both of Rachel's hands into her own.

"Do you want to talk now?" she asked. "I know you've been through a lot today and I don't want to add to it… anymore than I already have."

Rachel bit her lip before looking up into Shelby's green eyes and nodding. "I think-" her voice cracked slightly- "I think I would just like to clear the air."

Shelby smiled sadly. "Then that's what we'll do, honey." She lifted her head up to the ceiling, breathing deeply and trying to collect her thoughts. "I'm very sorry for the way I reacted to your engagement. It was just a shock. But you're right, it's not my business and so I apologise." She squeezed Rachel's hands affectionately as she spoke, her index finger tracing over the girl's ring. "It's pretty," she added, with a small grin.

"Thank you," Rachel muttered, looking down at their joined hands. "I… um… I apologise for calling you a whore." She blushed deeply, refusing to look up into her mother's eyes.

Shelby smirked. Yes, the comment had stung, but it was nothing she hadn't said to herself a hundred times a day since it had happened. "That's okay." She tilted her head. "Maybe don't make a habit of it… But, you have to know, Rach, I do truly regret that."

"It was me," Rachel said softly.

"What was?"

"I told Quinn not to report you."

"Oh." Shelby sat back in surprise. Before Rachel made the remark, she hadn't been aware that her daughter knew anything about what had happened between her and Noah, let alone the fact that she'd been involved in the whole mess. It stirred up a greater sense of shame and embarrassment within her. She didn't want Rachel to view her like that. "Well… uh… Thank you."

Rachel shot her a tiny smile which showed that she was just as uncomfortable discussing this as her mother. "I did it for Beth," she said, making Shelby recoil even further in shock. "I- I didn't want this to ruin things for her. For the both of you."

"Then I was right."

"What?"

"With what I said earlier, that you're a very caring and special girl." Rachel smiled. "I hope you get some good 'karmic retribution' for that," Shelby joked, raising her eyebrows.

"You can't get good retribution," Rachel chuckled.

"Then I hope you get whatever the opposite of retribution is."

"Thanks."

Though the joviality had eased some of the tension in the air, soon the grins on both mother and daughter's faces turned stale as the heavy dust settled around them.

"I don't know where to start," Shelby admitted.

"Maybe the beginning?"

"_A very good place to start._"

The ghost of a smile tracing Rachel's lips died before it could meet her eyes. "Right."

Shelby cleared her throat. "Well, you know most of it. I just… I want you to know that everything I did… Everything that came after signing that contract, I did in what I thought were your best interests." Rachel raised her eyebrows skeptically. "I know we may not agree on that, but will you hear me out please?" The girl nodded slowly. "Okay, thank you. I was really young when I agreed to be a surrogate and I don't think I truly understood the consequences of what it all meant. I was just desperate for a way out of Lima, which I think you can understand, right?" Another nod, which was accompanied by a sheepish smile. "Right, so I never went in with the intention of getting so attached to you. But like I said, kid, you're special, and so I did."

Shelby blew out a deep breath. She wasn't sure how much detail she wanted to go into, but Rachel had wanted to clear the air, and that meant honesty, right? At this point, she wasn't sure what harm it could do.

"I swear to God, Rach, from the second I heard your little heartbeat on the monitor, I've loved you so, _so _much. But you weren't meant for me, you were for your dads. You get that, don't you? It wasn't a case of me giving you up, or me walking away from being in your life. I was doing a job. A job that completely changed my life and gave me the best gift I could ever ask for, but it was a job."

Rachel opened her mouth to speak, but shut it again quickly, biting down on her lip.

"If you have questions, I'd rather you just ask them," Shelby said bluntly. This was her one chance to make sure there were no lingering resentments. Or, if she was being realistic, as few resentments as possible.

"It's not a question," Rachel said, "it's more of a comment."

"Okay?"

"I just don't understand how you could do it. Agree to do that, I mean," she clarified.

Her eyes bore into Shelby's, but they weren't cold or judgmental, just confused. She sighed. It was a hard situation to grasp.

"Naiveté," Shelby chuckled humourlessly. "I read up on it before I agreed, and most women said that they found it to be rewarding. Which I did obviously, I just… I think I took it harder than most people." She shut her eyes for a second, allowing herself to remember what that time in her life had been like. It was a place she didn't often like to think about. "I think it was worse because we used my egg and my body. A lot of people don't do that because it makes it more likely that the mother will get attached." She was trying desperately to keep her voice neutral, objective. It was hard. "But your dads had been trying for a long time to find someone. I was the only person who responded to the ad in three years."

Rachel frowned and shook her head. "No. They always told me that they had to screen potential candidates."

"Oh." It was Shelby's turn to look on in confusion. "I don't know… I'm not sure why they said that, honey."

Rachel shrugged. "They always kept things vague about it. Until I was eight, I believed that a magical queen came down from heaven and gave me to them."

Shelby chuckled; the Berrys had always been so theatrical. "Well, I'll take that title any day," she joked. "Uh… Yeah, so it was already an emotionally charged situation. I couldn't have fought them, Rach. It wouldn't have been fair to anyone." Seeing Rachel nod sadly, she went on. "I mean, you had a good childhood, right?"

"The best."

She smiled. "And that's all I ever wanted for you. You wouldn't have had that with me, honey, I'm sorry. But I did, I _do_, love you so much an-"

"Really?" Rachel asked, eyes wide.

Shelby felt a pull on her heart. "Of course I do," she said firmly. "Always."

"Oh."

"Yeah." What she expecting? For Rachel to say it back? She couldn't allow herself to be sad over that, it wasn't fair to the girl. "Uh- So, that's why I just had to meet you after I saw you at that Sectionals. But it wasn't right and I'm really sorry."

"Because I wasn't what you were expecting," Rachel offered bitterly.

Shelby bit on the inside of her cheek. She was either about to clear things up, or make Rachel absolutely hate her even more. "Yes and no," she said quietly.

"Right."

"Just let me explain, okay?" Rachel nodded. "The only image I had of you in my head was a tiny baby. That was the only way I'd thought about you for fifteen years. The tiny little baby who I didn't even get to hold." She felt tears stinging at her eyes and blinked them sharply away.

"You didn't get to hold me?" Rachel asked in a small voice. Her own brown eyes were filled with tears too.

Shelby shook her head sadly. "No your dads thought… I didn't." She forced a small smile onto her lips. "But you did turn your little head and look at me."

"I was saying hello," Rachel offered shyly, taking Shelby's hand again and squeezing it. It was the first time she'd initiated the contact and it melted Shelby's heart.

"Yeah, maybe you were," Shelby smiled. "You didn't do anything _wrong_ when we first met, Rach. It was almost the opposite. You were _too_ perfect and grown-up and I didn't want to screw any of that up for you. Or your dads," she added. She tried to never hold any resentment towards them.

"But we could have had some kind of relationship," Rachel said.

"Maybe," Shelby agreed softly. "But I think it would have been harder on you than you think." Rachel didn't look convinced. "I wouldn't have been an authority figure in your life, but you were calling me mom. Would your dads have agreed to it? What would you have expected from me, or me from you? You were so grown up in lots of ways, but you also weren't, and I don't know how we could have navigated that situation."

"We could have tried. You didn't have to just walk away," Rachel said, reaching up to wipe a stray tear.

Shelby leaned forward and cupped her daughter's face, wanting to make sure she truly listened to what she was going to say. "I honestly didn't mean for you to feel like I was abandoning you, Rachel. You have to believe me. I didn't want to screw things up for you and so I said that we should-"

"Be grateful for one another from afar," Rachel said, pulling her face out of Shelby's hands. The way she parroted the words Shelby had once spoken told her that they'd played over and over in the girl's mind. They had in hers too, wondering whether she'd made the right choice with them. Clearly not.

"And then what did I say?" she prompted.

"Then we sang _Poker Face_," Rachel said disdainfully, rolling her eyes.

"Your song choice, babe," Shelby said dryly. "And no. Then I said that it was just for a while. That wasn't supposed to be a forever plan, I promise. I was panicking and I just wanted to let you finish your childhood the way it was supposed to be. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, I guess," Rachel said, nodding. She looked down at her lap. "I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"Because you came back and I was just… I didn't want to get hurt again."

"Hey, no." Shelby shook her head. "You don't need to be sorry. You weren't ready and you were hurt."

"Okay," Rachel said. They held each other's gaze for a moment, before Rachel let out a big yawn. "Sorry," she laughed gently. "It's been a long day."

"I bet." Shelby sent her a sympathetic smile. "How about we table the rest of this talk for now?"

"That might be best," Rachel admitted.

As Shelby jumped down off the piano, stretching out her tired, aching muscles, Rachel picked her phone up off the floor.

"Shoot," she hissed, staring down at the screen.

"What is it, honey?" Shelby asked, walking over to her quickly.

Rachel looked up with tears brimming in her eyes once more. "It's my dads," she whimpered. "They've been calling and calling. I think they're really worried. I had my phone on silent for being in the auditorium and I've missed all their calls and now they're going to be so mad-"

"Take a deep breath, babe," Shelby said calmly, taking the girl by the shoulders. The last thing either of them needed was Rachel getting herself worked up into such a frenzy again. "They'll understand. Why don't you just call them back now and explain?"

"I _can't,_" she sobbed. "They're going to be so disappointed in me and-"

Rachel was cut off by the blaring sound of _Defying Gravity _coming from her phone. She held it out away from her like it was a bomb about to explode.

"Shelby, can you?" she pleaded, extending the phone out towards her mother who similarly recoiled from it. She had no idea exactly how the Berry men viewed her these days, but she was guessing it wasn't too favourably considering everything Rachel had said.

"Is that a good ide- Okay!" Rachel had thrust the phone into her hand and backed away. With a pained expression, she lifted it to her ear. "Hello Mr Berry," she said, frowning at how stupid the words sounded coming out of her mouth.

"Hello?" She recognised it as Hiram's voice straight away, despite it being tinged with an expected level of confusion. "Who's this?"

"Uh… It's Shelby." Silence. "Corcoran?" she added uncertainly, as if the reason for his lack of reply was the fact he didn't know which 'Shelby' he was speaking to, rather than the emotional weight of what that meant.

Rachel shot her a look that told her just how ridiculous she sounded, and she grimaced back, shrugging.

"Shelby?"

"Yeah. Hi, Hiram. How are you?" She smacked her hand to her forehead. _Idiot_.

"Are you with Rachel?" he asked quickly, making the good decision to ignore her awkward attempt at pleasantries.

"Yeah I am… Her- It…" She saw Rachel staring intently at her and knew she wasn't going to be able to have the necessary conversation with the girl's father if she stayed in the room. Holding a finger up to Rachel, she exited the piano room and shut the door behind her.

"Shelby?"

"Sorry," she said, leaning up against the hallway wall. "Rachel's pretty worked up and I didn't think she should be listening."

"What happened?" he questioned. She could hear the concern in his voice. It was comforting, in a way. It made her sure that she'd made the right decision all those years ago.

"I still haven't got the full story, but her and Finn are just explaining it as her 'choking' at her audition."

"Oh God."

"Yeah, so she's understandably been pretty inconsolable. I've been with her for about-" She checked her watch, realising it had been around fifty minutes since she found her daughter. _Shit. _The babysitter would be expecting her back soon. "- Uh coming up on an hour."

"Oh. And things are okay?"

"Things are okay," Shelby confirmed. She assumed Rachel would give him the details if she wanted to. It wasn't her place. "We've talked some."

"Good, good." He sounded a little more placated, but she could still sense his tension.

"I can bring her home, if you want. I don't know whether she has her car but she's probably not in a good state to be driving anyway."

She waited with bated breath for Hiram's answer. Maybe this was too much too soon. "That would actually be really helpful," he said. "And uh, talk to Rach about it, but maybe you'd like to stay for dinner. It might be useful to have you there to talk about it all."

"Really? I mean, sure!" She cursed herself for sounding so excited. The only reason he was doing this was because their daughter was so upset. "Yeah, I'll talk to Rachel." A sudden thought rushed through her mind. "Actually…"

"What?"

She sighed. "I don't know whether Rachel's mentioned it, but I have a baby now and…"

"She has," Hiram confirmed. "Beth, right?"

"Right."

"Well, like I said, talk to Rachel, but as far as we're concerned, you're both very welcome."

Shelby smiled broadly. "Thank you," she said.

"No problem. You know how much Leroy loves babies."

"Yeah," she replied. "And also just… thank you."

"No," he said. "Thank _you_."

They exchanged goodbyes, with Shelby telling him she'd get Rachel to let him know the plans once they'd discussed it. Taking a calming breath, Shelby walked back into the room where Rachel was sitting anxiously on the piano stool again.

"Was he mad?" she asked nervously.

"No, honey, he wasn't mad."

Rachel let out a big sigh of relief before standing up and crossing the room. Before Shelby could brace herself, Rachel had engulfed her mother in a tight hug.

"Thank you," she whispered against the older woman's chest.

"No," Shelby said, running a hand over Rachel's hair. "Thank _you_."

* * *

_**A/N- Yeah, yeah. This was meant to be a two-shot. But since when do I ever stick to a plan? **_

_**Hope you enjoyed! The next part will (probably) be the final part with more on the engagement, Beth and the future. **_

_**Would love to know what you thought!**_


End file.
